Food for Thought

Relationship Guidelines

From the Ideal to the Real

The guidelines that follow are offered as something to which you can aspire. They are neither rules to obey nor measures of the health of your relationship

• Do respect your partner's choices
  • Choose a partner whose choices you admire/approve because...
    judging your partner's choices will land you in relationship hell
• Do ask only for that which you are unable to do for yourself
  • Get it yourself unless you are ill or infirm
• Do say "yes" and "no" clearly, in a straightforward manner
  • Only make promises you can keep
  • Keep the promises you make
• Do be direct and specific in asking for what you want
  • Accept "yes" with appreciation
• Do give advice only when asked
  • Complaints are not requests for help
  • If unsure whether help is wanted, ask before giving it
• Do create time to talk every day... even if your time is limited
  • Listen with full attention
  • Complaints are fine, but not about each other
  • Convey negative comments, when necessary, in a neutral manner
    • e.g.: "I felt scared (sad, angry) when you _____."
• Do spend time alone with just one another each week
  • Ask family to help out
  • Trade baby-sitting time with your friends
  • Refrain from discussing the kids
• Do share the emotional and physical work of your relationship
  • Take responsibility that's yours
  • Once taken, initiate without being asked
• Do refrain from criticizing his/her loved ones
  • Even if he/she does
• Do be kind to yourself and each other